|
Top Ten Points to Come Out Ahead
Handling
Conflict
Up goes the mast to announce smooth sailing in the comfort zone, when
suddenly you hit rough waters out of nowhere. Now before you rock the
boat, you decide that it would be so much better to maintain the balance
via cooperation. Of course your mate doesn't act as well under pressure
as you do.
You would sooner make your point, give out the instructions, your way
- who needs to have conflicting game plans at a time like this - and
have everything under control (yours).
However, your mate has their own way of looking at the situation.
Waters roar, tempers soar, until no one can see clearly beyond the fog
of confusion. The goal switches from "peace of mind" to
"piece of him/her" - winning the argument taking distinct
precedence over solving the argument.
Sound familiar? Sure hope so, or one of you couldn't possibly be from
this planet. So how do we try to salvage a situation in ways most
difficult and unnatural to us? The answer: By focusing on the value of
construction versus reconstruction - more difficult than swallowing good
points/pride here and there.
Where do we start? At the beginning, before sinking into muddied
waters. Focus, focus, focus on the following top ten points and you'll
come out ahead.
- Try your best to maintain your cool. If you need a bit of time or
a few deep breaths, indulge yourself, because once those vindictive
comments are already out there, you can never take the hurt back.
This is not to say that you take forever, hoping that you'll both
cool off enough so you wouldn't have to worry about the problem any
longer. On the contrary. All issues and their underlying causes must
always be addressed - preferably when you're both up for it - before
they fester and erupt again from growing resentment. You must make
time to work out your problems to both your satisfaction, in a calm
and collected manner;
- Avoid laying blame on your mate. Rarely is anything just one
party's fault. Acknowledge your part, sharing responsibility for the
problem, and your partner will share the responsibility of fixing
things up with you, feeling that you're in it together;
- Focus on the problem, not the person. This is especially important
in fighting the urge to create a blanket argument with "You
always..." statements which defeat all reason. Ditto for
counterproductive "You do it too" accusations. Your mate
is less likely to go on the defense if you point out your feelings
versus attacking their character, dragging their entire life down -
despite their best efforts at changing - just to make your point.
"I feel hurt when you leave me out of your plans" will
make them want to reach out to you more than "You always leave
me out of your plans, from the moment I laid eyes on you";
- Keep things in perspective, making sure that the length and
intensity of an argument is in proportion to the weight of the issue
being discussed. In other words, don't beat minor things to death.
Prearrange interesting ways to mark "time out" - an egg
timer; a hug, just as emotional exhaustion begins to set in for one
of you; whatever. My personal favourite is holding both hands very
early on in the argument, ensuring that you don't raise voices when
you need only raise an issue. With all said and done, never let the
sun go down on your anger;
- Limit yourselves to one topic at a time. Mixing up different
topics is just as distasteful as mixing up competing spices -
disallowing the chance to properly appreciate any one of them;
- Bounce the proverbial ball into your mate's court. Ask them how
they'd like to support you on a particular issue, involving them in
the solution/suggestion process. This works especially well when you
need to appoint them ambassador on your behalf, with their
family/friends/colleagues. The important thing to keep in mind here
is that you must be direct and specific, not sarcastic or
manipulative, especially if you want to get the most cooperation out
of your mate;
- Don't push for perfection. Remember, you're not perfect, neither
should you expect your mate to be. On the flip side, neither one of
you should make the other feel inferior. Should your mate do that to
you, stop them right at the outset. Use this knowledge to evaluate
the relationship, not feel powerless;
- Listen to your mate, without feeling the need to comment, get
defensive, or put your point across. Once their anxieties are out in
the open, you might just be able to help diffuse them, appreciating
their vulnerabilities for a change;
- Negotiate like adults, coming up with solutions that are fair to
the both of you, making each of you happier - and obviously more
giving and fun to be with;
- Bottom line, no matter how bad the argument, don't assume
betrayal, realizing that you are in it together. Draw comfort from
knowing that the tension between you two has nothing to do with your
love for each other.
Rebecca
Rosenblat (aka Dr. Date), sex therapist/advice columnist/published
author is Toronto's hottest offering to the relationship and sexuality
scene. Known for her to-the-point teaching and entertaining delivery,
Rebecca gives her audiences what they crave, through her books,
seminars, interviews, and advice columns. https://www.DrDating.com
|